Crossroads

Yes, I am tired! But what else could I expect anyway? I've always thought that another year of all these strains and I would have cracked up. We all would have.

But I haven't! I am tough! Who isn't?

I remembered the rows of serious faces bent over examination papers day after day. Outside the examination rooms, there was sunlight and green trees ... noise and traffic. Inside, there was the raise against time, the scrapping of pens, the worried coughs, the sweaty foreheads, the shuffling feet, the rows of desks ... the weighing of the balance, the found wanting. No matter how brilliant you've been in editing a newsletter, in producing a play, in designing a project; no matter how original you seemed with all your decisions; no matter how well you have played the coolest music or the popular sports or at the school politics, it was the same test for all, and the same lesson: first-rate brains without a penny would get you no further than those whose fortune is enormous even with second-rate brains. It was the day of painful self-revelation, of regret for some, of hope for others, of frustration ... of submitting your inner pride to the outside verdict.

Well, that is all over anyway; the written papers and the orals, and the posted papers of successes and failures. All over, thank God! Another chunk of life put in a box and labeled: "Past. Not to be reopened. No third attempts."

But here comes another chunk in its way, for other periods in life did not end so neatly, so completely, with an examiner's clear mark to tie up all the loose ends. Hell's bells! One thing's over, and another begins.

Doesn't life ever become simpler? Would it not stop being so harsh - so cruel? Doesn't life's crossroads ever have an end? Are all crossroads barbed wire-fenced?

Though life is really what it seems, one thing's for sure - all those crossroads brought me so many fears, causing my bones to shiver, but the child-in-me braver. It brought me countless joys, bringing forth funny moments spent with my friends and loved-ones, brightening the gloom of gloomiest day. Most of all, it brought me challenges that made me tougher and stronger -- ever wanting for more, grasping tighter and higher beyond my reach.

Should I ever ask for more? Haven't all those thorny crossroads brought me all the wonderful treasures in life -- treasures that are so priceless and worth keeping -- not mere vanity -- making me whole?

'Been thinking ... if I would go straight on the fast lane, would I ever know what "living a life" means? Or, would I ever be sure that the road ahead is not a dead end?

How will I know then? I don't have a choice but to turn at the nearest bend!

(Isn't it a little bit of sour-graping?)

- Fin -

(09.23.2003)