Letting Go

I'd like to go back climbing a birch tree. And climb the birches' snow-white trunk towards heaven, 'till the tree could bear no more. But then it stop and send me down again. Then we could have both be going and coming back - or we could do worse - we could be swinger of branches.

~oOo~

Letting go would be hard, I know ... but I really have to. I know it would mean no turning back, no regrets and no pointing of fingers. Everything should still go on, no matter what.

The world is complex, everybody is complicated, and all circumstances change. I already expected this to happen ... I know this would happen. Nothing is permanent, nothing is secure ... nobody is indispensable.

But, though these changes are expected, I was still shocked.

Sometimes I asked myself, "Have I done something wrong?" Perhaps I have, but, gee I'm proud - choosing pebbles is a tough job.

I know when it's time to let go - when it's  time to swing branches. It would not be easy then, but I know I can, I will, because I choose to.

If I stay ... the future's unclear ... the sky is dark with gloom. I thought the sun would change the air, but its brightness seemed to shy away that even the moon and stars fail to appear. Perhaps, somewhere near, the trees are stronger.

Swinging branches would not be easy then. I need to know if I can hold on to it for long. What if the branch I'm on breaks? Can I stand up after the fall? Or - would there be somebody ready to help me stand after all?

I know it would be hard to say goodbye to all those I hate and love. I could just lock all the memories, treasuring them safely, in my heart and mind.

For it's when the love fade away, when the going gets tough, and only the tough gets going, that it's time to let go.

(12.16.2003)

Cyber Love

Can love be present in a place where everything else aren't?

Take for instance two total strangers. Man meets woman in an unconventional way, exchanging "His & Hellos", "ASLs", "CTCs" and "LOLs". Sharing non important ideas ... sharing sweet nothings.

Then suddenly, guy decides to call gal a pretty nickname such as "Hon", "Love", and "Baby", and WHAM, they become a couple instantly.

Real names don't exist. Neither the age nor occupations ... faceless characters and unknown identities. No history to start with, and yet decide to indulge in an illusion. An instant love affair. Less hassles, few demands and financially beneficial to people with less or no money at all. From coffee to roses, hugs and kisses ... almost everything are made available. Just by merely pressing the keyboard, who can ask for more?

Guys who are not blessed with guts to court a woman in the real world, all of a sudden becomes a gigolo. Counting girlfriends from all corners of the world. Girls who can't get a real date due to lack of beauty and personality, can act and talk like she's a beauty queen when on the net.

Lies thrown back and forth as fast as one can type them, are all accepted. Welcoming philanderers and adulterers ... enjoying their temporary facade. Nobody takes each compliment seriously. Nobody gives great importance to decency. Emotions are toyed and being played around. Sarcasm lurks in every corner.

So, a stranger loving another stranger a possibility? A big joke maybe. Love is of no value and indeed very artificial in cyberspace!

Provers 20:6 "Many a man claims to have an unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?"

- by Masay (December 2003)

ASL, please ...

"Hi, ASL please?" is not a proper way to start a conversation, much more make friends. But with it, countries get connected, chit chats get started, sharing of different ideas made possible, friendship grow deeper, relationships grow fonder.

Making friends without being so friendly is possible now that technology is at its height. We don't need to look good and feel good to gain more friends. All we need is a Yahoo ID and an Internet connected-PC to get connected to any place under the sun. We don't need to make faces to show our sincerity or mood swings. All it takes is a click on the smiley icons, or merely type a series of codes to do it. We don't need to shatter the world with our giggles or thunderous laughter when a friend's being silly. All we need is type "LOL", and we're already laughing out loud. We don't need to give any information about ourselves if we want to keep it secret. All it takes is a lie, and nobody would ever know. We don't need to answer every questions -- we could just always pretend that we're "DC" (disconnected).

On the net, we can choose to trust anybody, or never trust at all. We can get angry at anybody even if we really don't mean it. We can start a fight without causing it. We can send roses as peace offering without actually getting to the flower shop. We can even say "I love you" even if we don't. Smacks and kisses keep on flying without taking any importance on who caught them. Pictures get sent and profiles get posted without even telling the truth.

Truly, chit chats on the net is foolishly misused and most of the time, unreliable ... but fun. Really exciting! We can be silly. We can pretend we're smart. We can be in any place we're not. We can be anybody, and anybody can also be somebody.

Chatting on the net has never been my idea of fun -- not until lately.

(10.10.2003)

First Step

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Heart don't fail me now. Courage don't desert me. Don't turn back now that we're here. People always say "Life is full of choices". No one ever mentions fear -- or how the road can seem so long, or how the world can seem so vast. Courage see me through. Heart I'm trusting you on this journey ...

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I am a TIGER. I have the rage to live and the teeth to sink into a plank of wood. Fortune doesn't motivate me. But my desire for passionate adventure and impossible challenges does!

Nothing stops me, neither eccentricity nor danger. I decide on my course of action. Nothing stops me; I listen to my heart more than my reason. My fearless enthusiasm motivates others. People would follow me to the end of the earth if only to take part in the wild dreams that I imagine each day to get beyond the reality and routine of every day life. This extravagance goes hand-in-hand with my need to command. I love it when people obey me without a word. Excessive in everything, my behavior betrays the force of my emotions. Passion and anger are part of my every day life. If someone tries to put me in a cage, I become crazed and would roar loud enough to dislocate my jaw! An insatiable adventurer, I build my life from the hazards and opportunities I encounter, grabbing onto the chances that are offered to me with an utmost unconscious audacity.

I am a charismatic Tiger. I am the leader of the jungle, the maestro, the captain of ships. I need action and independence to give measure to my talents. I make my path in a universe that is wild, anarchic and without hierarchy. Roads that have already been taken don't interest me. I can't conceive of working without passion. I refuse to bow down to logic, fixed hours and uniforms. A lord reigns in me!

I know that I am born a winner ... I am born tough ... I am born to lead ... I am born to do the first steps. I know ...

But I also know my faults. Aside from my unpredictability, and my not being very good at making others feel secure, I also feel coward at times. I also wince at the thought of journeying to an unknown jungle ... of doing my first steps ... of being a TIGER ... of just simply being me ... of pretending that I am tough enough to fight whatever danger comes my way ... of trying to protect my brood from other predators ... of trying to protect my jungle.

I know I should always do the first step. I hated it, but I have to. Nobody would do it except a TIGER ... and I am a TIGER ...

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One step at a time. One hope then another.

Who knows where this road may go?

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 (12.09.2003)

The Gods Must Be Crazy

While observing how my co-masterands were banging their heads and raising their voices with our professor to resolve a theorem in our Modern Geometry class, I just sit quietly, half-smiling, half-thinking ... simply asking myself, "What  are they trying to prove when the proof is already obvious ... why complicate simple things?" Then I thought, they must me crazy then. Aren't they aware that life is so simple that it doesn't need any postulates or theorems to support it's existence?

I would not be pursuing my masters degree had it not been necessary in my chosen career. A masters degree is one of the pebbles that I should have while I chose to be in the academe -- though, for me, it doesn't make any difference ... it doesn't give me any assurance of enjoying life as intended.

I know life is just simple ... with simple needs and simple source of joys, we would have been truly happy. But we foolishly made life complicated. Thanks to us!

We, most of the time, live as if we are gods. We always even wanted to play God. We invent things to make life simpler and easier, without knowing that we are just slaving ourselves by paying all the bills just to keep these things moving. We explored the outer space only to awaken our greed of power -- our greed for more territory ... for a bigger playing field. We study more in search for knowledge, only to find out that we're still ignorant. We wanted to please all, just to please ourselves.

We are always busy preparing for the future by outliving today. We have done almost everything, not knowing that we haven't made anything done. Aren't we crazy?

With all the things we have, can we now consider ourselves living a life? Aren't we just making a life out of our living?

If we truly are gods, we must be intelligent and wise enough to simplify complicated things rather than complicate simple ones.

Or -- are we just simply proving that we're "crazy gods"?

(12.07.2003)